I don't work to my potential. I don't do my best at hardly anything. I focus on my problems and not on my potential. I worry about my future because I have no confidence—in myself that I can do anything, and in God that He will help me where I cannot. I judge people based on sterotypes. I am selfish and would rather feel good than be inconvenienced by anything other than what I want. I hate other people's quirks. I hate when other people bring up my quirks. I hate my quirks. I don't read the Bible because I don't want to. I hardly pray because part of me doesn't believe it works. I get mad at God when my prayers aren't answered. I don't like going to church because I feel like I've heard it all before. I don't like advice. I crave advice. I have a lustful mind. I indulge my perverted thoughts. I'm lazy. I complain when I have nothing to do. I complain when I have things to do. I want more money. I want more stuff. I complain about not having any money. I look for ways to spend money instead of saving it. I make excuses; and believe them. I overanalyze. I'm afraid of God. I respect Him, but don't love Him. I don't want Him to change me; but all I want is for Him to change me. I hate thinking about going to college. I hate thinking about ruining my life by not going. I don't worship. I can't worship. I don't want to worship. I envy those who do worship. I expect the worst in people. I expect nothing from God. I want to do everything myself. I hate being alone. I hate being in groups. No matter what I feel alone. I'm a liar. I'm a thief. I expect everything without working for it. I hide from my beliefs. I lie about my beliefs. I look for ways out of believing. I wish I didn't believe. I'm afraid of death but wish I was dead sometimes. I'm afraid I won't like Heaven. I'm afraid I won't like God when I meet Him. I'm afraid God doesn't like me now. I think God is tired of hearing me tell Him the same shit all the time. If God cursed, I think He'd tell me that; and that I'm full of it. I think I'm a bad role model for kids at church. I want people to like me, but I like it when they don't. I like to make people angry with my views. I don't have the confidence to express my views. I don't like people who are smarter than me. I think I'm better than those I disagree with. I'm afraid to try to get better because I don't want to fail and disappoint myself. I want to prove God wrong. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to prove myself wrong. I hate myself. I hate this world. I don't want to help people. I don't want help for myself. I think I have no purpose in life.
Some of these are facts about me. Nothing I'm proud of. Think what you will, I had to get them out. I may add more, I may not; but I'm tired.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
Myspace Background Checks
I was shown an article in the newspaper the other day that was pretty interesting. It talked about college grads applying for jobs in the workplace, and the employers researching them on Myspace. They interviewed the head of this company that was saying when they get applications, they look them up on Myspace. There was a guy that they looked up who's interests included smoking pot, shooting people and various described sex acts. Another woman had pictures of herself passed out after a long night of drinking. Needless to say, neither of them got the job.
Personally, I think this is a great idea. Too many people use things like Myspace not to express themselves, but express how they want to be seen.
Stop trying to look cool, stop trying to be something you're not, and if you really are like that, then don't be pround of it!
Personally, I think this is a great idea. Too many people use things like Myspace not to express themselves, but express how they want to be seen.
Stop trying to look cool, stop trying to be something you're not, and if you really are like that, then don't be pround of it!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
'Left Behind' Game--Pt 1.
So, everyone has heard of the Left Behind book series, right? Well, the buzz is that the video game is coming out soon. Yes, a Left Behind video game. Now, before I go any further there are two things I want you to know:
1) I have not read any of the Left Behind books and don't really want to. I don't quite know how I feel about the Rapture. It's a nice idea-for all the Christians to be sucked up and away before the hard times start-but I'm not really sure that Scripture supports that idea. I tell you this to say that I am not a follower of the series and am not writing in it's defense.
2) The game has not come out yet. The claims against the game are not directly asked to the creators and therefore cannot really be definate until the game has come out. But, there are tons and tons of places that all say the same thing. Still, I tell you this to say that I will have to give the creators the benefit of the doubt... thought it is hard for me to do so. But that's why this is 'Pt 1.' I will publish 'Pt 2.' when the game comes out and I know for sure.
Okay, according to the claims, the premise of this gams is this:
You run around in 50 square blocks of post-rapture New York City and try to convert non-believers. You are issued a weapon and join up with a paramilitary group to battle the Anti-Christ's forces. Here's the clincher: when people don't convert to Christianity, you are supposed to shoot them. So, according to the claims all over the place this is a convert-or-die game.
If this is true, it's rediculous. I mean, this is the stigma that Christians have been trying to get away from for hundreds of years. This is exactly why people hate Christians, and if this is true then they aren't doing anything to help themselves. They are promoting Christian Jihad. It's insulting to me and it honestly makes me sick beacuse it just reinforces the idea that Christians don't care about anyone else, and anyone who is not a Christian is not worth anything; and that is wrong!
Supposedly the creators of the book series are supporters of it, as well as the author of The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren (who plans to market it throught the 'mega church'). Part of me would like to think that they are not that out of their minds to support this game if the claims are right. But part of me is also not suprised.
I feel that I can't say much more about it because, like I said, I want to wait and be sure about how the game is. We'll have to see what happens, though... look out for Pt 2.
1) I have not read any of the Left Behind books and don't really want to. I don't quite know how I feel about the Rapture. It's a nice idea-for all the Christians to be sucked up and away before the hard times start-but I'm not really sure that Scripture supports that idea. I tell you this to say that I am not a follower of the series and am not writing in it's defense.
2) The game has not come out yet. The claims against the game are not directly asked to the creators and therefore cannot really be definate until the game has come out. But, there are tons and tons of places that all say the same thing. Still, I tell you this to say that I will have to give the creators the benefit of the doubt... thought it is hard for me to do so. But that's why this is 'Pt 1.' I will publish 'Pt 2.' when the game comes out and I know for sure.
Okay, according to the claims, the premise of this gams is this:
You run around in 50 square blocks of post-rapture New York City and try to convert non-believers. You are issued a weapon and join up with a paramilitary group to battle the Anti-Christ's forces. Here's the clincher: when people don't convert to Christianity, you are supposed to shoot them. So, according to the claims all over the place this is a convert-or-die game.
If this is true, it's rediculous. I mean, this is the stigma that Christians have been trying to get away from for hundreds of years. This is exactly why people hate Christians, and if this is true then they aren't doing anything to help themselves. They are promoting Christian Jihad. It's insulting to me and it honestly makes me sick beacuse it just reinforces the idea that Christians don't care about anyone else, and anyone who is not a Christian is not worth anything; and that is wrong!
Supposedly the creators of the book series are supporters of it, as well as the author of The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren (who plans to market it throught the 'mega church'). Part of me would like to think that they are not that out of their minds to support this game if the claims are right. But part of me is also not suprised.
I feel that I can't say much more about it because, like I said, I want to wait and be sure about how the game is. We'll have to see what happens, though... look out for Pt 2.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Martial Arts With a Side of Chihuahuas
So I got a pair of nunchakus (nunchucks) the other day. I don't really know why, I've just always wanted some. Most people stat out with foam-coated ones, but I skipped straight ahead to wood. They were pretty much the same price and I didn't see the sense in eventually outgrowing one set and having to buy another. Plus, getting hit repeatedly with wooden nunchakus on the elbows, knees and fingers only encourages me to strengthen my skills.
I also got a book an krav maga, the Israeli martial arts. It's pretty cool, and cheaper than paying for kung fu classes... but I'd like to do that one day, too.
I was practicing this move where, if someone punches at your head, you duck to the side and punch them in the ribs. My fiance was over when I was doing this. I was conditioning my mind to react this certain way and going over and over this one move and I wanted to show her, so I told her to punch at my head, and before I had even closed my mouth her fist was like lightning, striking at my head. She was a bit more aggressive than I expected, forcing my mind to act in the way I had just mentally conditioned it to. The move worked great and when she regained her breath, she was anxious to move on to the section on groin attacks. We decided we would not practice together again.
Last week my mom and I were watching tv and there was a commercial for corn dogs and I was telling her how I kinda missed eating them. They're not the greatest food in the world, but a solid treat every once in a while. I was telling her how the stick that runs down the inside of them is a huge deterrent for me. I don't enjoy fighting with the stick to get the last bits of food off of it. Some people enjoy it, I just don't. I mentioned how I wanted to invent corndogs with no sticks; boneless, I call them. So, the next day my mom went to the grocery store, and when she got back she brought up the topic again and told me that she found them! With a mixture of jealousy (because I thought I was on to something new, and if only I had the chance that this corporate snob had, I could have made millions) and excitement (because they were feakin' boneless corndogs!!) I ripped open the package only to find, to my disappointment, that they were mini corndogs; corndog nuggets; corn-chihuahuas; breaded beanie-weenies!! How could you make them with a stick? That would be rediculous! Sure they packed the same great corndog taste in a smaller, stickless package, but still. I was not impressed with the invention.
I was distraught as I ate them. I felt let down. I may not be able to enjoy full-sized stickless corndogs yet, but that only means that there is still room for my invention. I'll see you at the top, corporate corndog-makers!
I also got a book an krav maga, the Israeli martial arts. It's pretty cool, and cheaper than paying for kung fu classes... but I'd like to do that one day, too.
I was practicing this move where, if someone punches at your head, you duck to the side and punch them in the ribs. My fiance was over when I was doing this. I was conditioning my mind to react this certain way and going over and over this one move and I wanted to show her, so I told her to punch at my head, and before I had even closed my mouth her fist was like lightning, striking at my head. She was a bit more aggressive than I expected, forcing my mind to act in the way I had just mentally conditioned it to. The move worked great and when she regained her breath, she was anxious to move on to the section on groin attacks. We decided we would not practice together again.
Last week my mom and I were watching tv and there was a commercial for corn dogs and I was telling her how I kinda missed eating them. They're not the greatest food in the world, but a solid treat every once in a while. I was telling her how the stick that runs down the inside of them is a huge deterrent for me. I don't enjoy fighting with the stick to get the last bits of food off of it. Some people enjoy it, I just don't. I mentioned how I wanted to invent corndogs with no sticks; boneless, I call them. So, the next day my mom went to the grocery store, and when she got back she brought up the topic again and told me that she found them! With a mixture of jealousy (because I thought I was on to something new, and if only I had the chance that this corporate snob had, I could have made millions) and excitement (because they were feakin' boneless corndogs!!) I ripped open the package only to find, to my disappointment, that they were mini corndogs; corndog nuggets; corn-chihuahuas; breaded beanie-weenies!! How could you make them with a stick? That would be rediculous! Sure they packed the same great corndog taste in a smaller, stickless package, but still. I was not impressed with the invention.
I was distraught as I ate them. I felt let down. I may not be able to enjoy full-sized stickless corndogs yet, but that only means that there is still room for my invention. I'll see you at the top, corporate corndog-makers!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
A Virtual Sense of Accomplishment
I have a problem in life of not feeling satisfied. This has nothing to do with the people in my life; that's not what I mean. This satisfaction I'm talking about is accomplishment. I can only speak for myself but I belive guys need to feel accomplishment. Maybe not 'guys', but 'some people'. Some people are affected by the lack of accomplishment less than others but I think that everyone needs to feel it to some extent.
In college I took a public speaking class. One of our speeches was about a place where we go to escape. Some spoke of their tree houses when they were kids, their bedroom, the library. Mine was about the Land of Hyrule. Those of you who don't know where that is, it is the fictional world that Zelda and Link inhabit in the Legend of Zelda game series. I spoke about how I would defeat giant dragons, monsters and evil wizards bent on world domination/destruction. But th ekey word is I. I did it. The people of small villages counted on me to save them. They empowered me with objects, information, and confidence in order to ensure my victory. They depended on me, and they trusted me. And I never let them down.
This is why it is so easy for me to become addicted to video games. They have a fixed set of rules, a limited amount of actions to take, and a clear goal... usually. "Blow up the fuel trucks", "rescue the hostage", "win the race","find the Flaming Sword of the Gods","meet up with Charlie and get the green access key card," and my personal favorite, "defeat all the enemies." Whenever you get stuck or forget your purpose you can just pull up the objectives screen and look at what you're supposed to be doing. There is also usually someone within the game that gives you tips if you can't figure it out.
I could (and sometimes do) play games for hours. each level, the objectives are laid out for you, any equipment you need you are given, or are told where to find it. In some games you are very well compensated just for following directions. By completing tasks and objectives you get new cars, weapons, clothing, money and all kinds of other things. Also, when you complete a step in your virtual life the next step is opened to you. You are told your next step one your current step is completd. That is a very appealing aspect of video game worlds.
As you progress in the game the overall plotline is revealed. Mysteries are solved, friends are met, enemies show themselves and are eventually defeated. But most importantly, at the end of the game you have accomplished something. Whether it be saving the world, saving the girl, or cleansing your name the end result is a feeling of accomplishment. All the adventure, action, violence, and spent shell casings are worth it.
In the video game universe, I can save the world. I can make a difference. I can use the tools and information I'm given and make choices. Meaningful choices. This gives me a feeling of purpose. That is my escape; a world where I am the hero. And it is sadly addicting.
In college I took a public speaking class. One of our speeches was about a place where we go to escape. Some spoke of their tree houses when they were kids, their bedroom, the library. Mine was about the Land of Hyrule. Those of you who don't know where that is, it is the fictional world that Zelda and Link inhabit in the Legend of Zelda game series. I spoke about how I would defeat giant dragons, monsters and evil wizards bent on world domination/destruction. But th ekey word is I. I did it. The people of small villages counted on me to save them. They empowered me with objects, information, and confidence in order to ensure my victory. They depended on me, and they trusted me. And I never let them down.
This is why it is so easy for me to become addicted to video games. They have a fixed set of rules, a limited amount of actions to take, and a clear goal... usually. "Blow up the fuel trucks", "rescue the hostage", "win the race","find the Flaming Sword of the Gods","meet up with Charlie and get the green access key card," and my personal favorite, "defeat all the enemies." Whenever you get stuck or forget your purpose you can just pull up the objectives screen and look at what you're supposed to be doing. There is also usually someone within the game that gives you tips if you can't figure it out.
I could (and sometimes do) play games for hours. each level, the objectives are laid out for you, any equipment you need you are given, or are told where to find it. In some games you are very well compensated just for following directions. By completing tasks and objectives you get new cars, weapons, clothing, money and all kinds of other things. Also, when you complete a step in your virtual life the next step is opened to you. You are told your next step one your current step is completd. That is a very appealing aspect of video game worlds.
As you progress in the game the overall plotline is revealed. Mysteries are solved, friends are met, enemies show themselves and are eventually defeated. But most importantly, at the end of the game you have accomplished something. Whether it be saving the world, saving the girl, or cleansing your name the end result is a feeling of accomplishment. All the adventure, action, violence, and spent shell casings are worth it.
In the video game universe, I can save the world. I can make a difference. I can use the tools and information I'm given and make choices. Meaningful choices. This gives me a feeling of purpose. That is my escape; a world where I am the hero. And it is sadly addicting.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Overanalyticalizationalism
Every once in a while I start to believe He's not there, and I think He isn't helping me build my faith by not answering my prayers.
It's not like I'm praying for a new fancy car or other 'things', I'm praying for a change in my heart that I cannot do myself. It has to be Him.
Maybe I'm like that student in class that the teacher tells he can do better. Not that I'm better than anyone, please don't take that out of context. But God made me with a thinking, pondering, analytical mind (though I overdo it alot) and He wants me to think, ponder, and analyze... to an extent. He wants me to figure it out because He knows that I'll oly be truly happy and healed if I can figure it out. So, I must be praying not for miraculous mental healing or a huge mental change, but for mental enlightenment. I must be able to look at the situation and the solution and say, "...and that is why I believe." And I know that God designed me that way. Because I know that once I have that, nothing can ever take it away from me.
It's not like I'm praying for a new fancy car or other 'things', I'm praying for a change in my heart that I cannot do myself. It has to be Him.
Maybe I'm like that student in class that the teacher tells he can do better. Not that I'm better than anyone, please don't take that out of context. But God made me with a thinking, pondering, analytical mind (though I overdo it alot) and He wants me to think, ponder, and analyze... to an extent. He wants me to figure it out because He knows that I'll oly be truly happy and healed if I can figure it out. So, I must be praying not for miraculous mental healing or a huge mental change, but for mental enlightenment. I must be able to look at the situation and the solution and say, "...and that is why I believe." And I know that God designed me that way. Because I know that once I have that, nothing can ever take it away from me.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Comedy Isn't Always Funny
Starting an improv team is hard. For me, anyway. I've Never done it before, and i wish I had a better idea at how to have useful, constructive practices. I kinda feel like I'm making it up as I go... which maybe, is the idea. But no, not for practice. I want practices to build our skills, and help us learn the art, but it seems like all it really does is frustrate us. It makes me feel like I should be doing more to help the team, but I don't know what to do.
I have all these expectations for myself, and for the team, but I don't know what steps to take to reach them. Individual stand-up is frustrating because of my confidence issues and all that, but I know if I could get myself to do it again, I could do it better because I know what didn't work for me and what situations not to get into again. It would also be easier, though, because I'd only have to worry about myself. I could have my own practices whenever I wanted to.
I do want to do that, but I really want to have an improv team, too. They are two separate art forms that I want to be a part of.
I have all these expectations for myself, and for the team, but I don't know what steps to take to reach them. Individual stand-up is frustrating because of my confidence issues and all that, but I know if I could get myself to do it again, I could do it better because I know what didn't work for me and what situations not to get into again. It would also be easier, though, because I'd only have to worry about myself. I could have my own practices whenever I wanted to.
I do want to do that, but I really want to have an improv team, too. They are two separate art forms that I want to be a part of.
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